A Journey Through Wushu: Journal
By Mea Jyn
December 2004 is rolling around the corner and for me that marks an important event in my life. The fact that I can say that I've been here at SYL for a year is something I am proud of, but the fact that I haven't been able to dedicate myself throughout the entire year, is something that I'm kind of disappointed with myself at.
I feel that this year has been for me one of the hardest years to get through. I feel that throughout this year I've been trying to find out what I really want in life and how I am going to try to achieve it. This year I have tried to commit myself to several things and accomplish them all. This year I've gone through good times and stressing times with my family, struggling with my wonderful dad and helping and hurting him as well. Deciding whether I wanted to live at home or move out on my own. Dealing with the stress-full politics and stuff at work. Realizing that I want to get my high school diploma instead of continually delaying it, how much I truly value education.
Before, I never really knew what I wanted growing up in life, I think it is a question all children are asked in elementary school: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My answers were: teacher, writer, photographer, dancer, artist, gymnast, flight attendant, fitness trainer, etc. But I was never certain, everything I ever wanted to do seemed so hard for me to accomplish. I was not talented or gifted at anything, everything I wanted to do I had to work for (not that I didn't mind that or didn't want to). In contrast, my brothers are all naturally good at something: academics, art, writing, and athletics. I decided that I wanted to work hard and do something that was written in my heart to do. Still, even through this year I doubted myself and questioned myself. So what do I really want to accomplish? If I can make my family happy, my dad proud, and help other people then I will feel successful in achieving my end goal on earth. So what can I do?
This was a tough year of adversity and hardship, experiencing what I have, going through the decision to leave correspondence schooling and finish high school at college, patiently waiting to see where my job would take me at work, moving out away from my dad and my family for a few months, and beginning Wushu and missing Wushu, training for it and experiencing it. I think that throughout the last two years I've been trying to see where life would take me if I just go with the flow, being patient, and waiting. Not taking a firm stand in anything or committing to anything, just waiting. Waiting for what - I'm not sure, waiting for my talent to appear in front of me maybe, maybe waiting to see if I get lucky, I don't know. I only know the way I'm living I'm not going to accomplish anything I ever want to, or even do anything that I want to do. My family has put up with a lot from me, I'm sure many people have. I think I have to take a stand and be able to know what I want to do and see how in the end it will help my dad, my family, and those close to me as well. And then I have to remember myself.
When I am here at Grandmaster Liang's school I always feel welcome, though sometimes I may be tired and stressed before I arrive, after I begin warming up and start to get into my training I am no longer stressed. While I am here I don't have to worry about the other hardships in my life. Instead I can focus on training and relaxing my mind and remembering what I have been learning to improve it more. Even after a short absence and returning to wushu the other day, I didn't feel new and uncomfortable, like I forgot everything and had to start anew. After feeling all sore after practice, I realized how much missed I missed being here and being in this environment, how much I missed training with my instructors and classmates, and how amazing that I wasn't as choppy as I thought I was going to be. Though I was a little rusty, I should expect to be unless I train more diligentle outside of school.
With the blessings of my sifu and instructors, I don't want to say I'm leaving or say goodbye because I'm not. You just may not see me training at school sometimes. If I'm the true dedicated student that I want to be, I will still be training, my body and my mind. So that when you see me again training at wushu you can see the girl that first started training in January 2004 with no martial arts background, older than most wushu masters were when they started, trying to achieve something that seemed far-fetched to some. Still training with the same dedication and intensity as when she first started, only without all the doubts, hesitations, and burdens. Working to achieve basically what was my dream when I first learned about wushu at 14 or 15. To do well and open my own wushu school one day and pass down all the love, knowledge, patience, encouragement and training that my father, my sifu, my instructors, and my fellow students give to me.
How strong am I? 2005 is the year of the Rooster. The rooster is confident, hard working, and unwavering. I look forward to the good luck and strength it will bring. Thank you everyone with love. Happy Holidays!!